Vipassana Meditation: Part III

Part I and Part II of this epic tale

Day 7 –So I woke up with a realization that after that literally insane experience when falling asleep that I definitely needed to see this process through. I had obviously touched on something and found some real scary things inside of me.

Even if it was making strange things happen, I was learning a whole bunch and that these new experiences and challenges were just the sort of things I wanted, and ultimately the type of thing that is on a road to a rare destination. I went to morning meditation with renewed energy and determination to get better at the technique and see what else there was I could learn. Even if I thought I was destroying some of the sankharas that I liked, I determined that I probably couldn’t do any long-term damage to my ambition, my sex-drive, or anything else worth caring about in just 10 days so I was probably going to be fine. Besides, I had committed to do this for 10 days, so I was going to give it a full 10 days.

But in another immediate twist of attitudes, and despite waking up so resolved that I was definitely seeing the process through, by the afternoon I had once again decided that I was going to leave. I thought I had reached the limit of how far I wanted to go…

This is how it happened. I was making my second lap of my head to toe body scans in one of the afternoon sessions. I was working my way down my face going feature by feature. I was going from my cheeks (which were rather easy to find sensation) to my lips and they just sort of connected. I was simultaneously feeling sensation in both of the areas. It felt very strange because for the last several days I had just been concentrating my mind on one very small section of my body at a time. And now doing two at the same time seemed like it took a little bit of extra concentration. Instead of playing toss I was now juggling two balls. I had to keep my mind on the thing I was just looking at, but also use part of my brain to go to another part at the same time, while still keeping an eye on the old one and making sure I had a firm grip on both.

This intrigued me so naturally I decided to not follow the directions I was given and kept running with this concept to see what could happen and where this might take me. While still thinking about my lips and cheeks I added my nose and my chin. Then the area around my eyes and my brow temples and forehead. My thoughts were very focused yet jumping around to every one of these locations within a second so that way I could make sure that nothing was being left out. My mind was working at an all-time rapid pace. I was having trouble with my scalp and getting up to the top of my head. But I made it to my ears. Everything was tingling around my whole face. I was feeling everything that was happening in that area. From my ears I went backwards to get to the back of my head and worked my way up the scalp. Before I knew it my whole head was now tingling simultaneously as I was receiving information from seemingly every neuron on the surface of my head simultaneously. Wow, this feels really crazy. But let’s not stop now.

So I kept going. Now this had occurred much more quickly than it takes to read or write. Perhaps it was 20 seconds to get the whole head involved.  So I went down my neck slowly not forgetting to remember that I was feeling sensation through my whole head. I picked up the collar bones and the shoulders. I figured it would be better to get the torso before I went down any appendage because it might be easier to manage if everything was directly connected. This feeling was pretty great. I wasn’t trying to get attached to it, but I was really excited about the tingling. The more parts of my body I had involved the easier it actually was to keep going, like the snowball effect. It was just spreading, but at the control of my instinct which knew that one little distraction could make this whole juggling act fall apart. So I had to move quickly. I went back up to my right arm and worked down to the elbows and it just started to flow on its own lighting up all the nerves on the way all the way to the end of my fingertips. It was as if all these parts of me were being dipped in hot water the way the tingling everywhere felt. The left arm was quickly added just like the right. My body was physically starting to shake noticeably while trying to concentrate on everything at once. In my practice because it was easier to do I usually did congruous areas of the legs at the same time. So I kept going all the way down my legs. I finished the left leg down to the toes about a second before the right. When the big toe on the right leg was finally added as the last part of my body to be dipped in the hot water, the last part of where I was simultaneously concentrating on nerves that covered my entire body, this amazing energy grew.

I was already tingling everywhere on the outside of my skin, but there was massive heat, tightness and fullness or electricity that began inside the skin of my feet and started working its way up my body it ran up my legs and kept growing higher and higher. It was intense and full. There was so much to it. It kept rising past my waist and as my torso was rapidly being swallowed and there was a moment of doubt. This was a lot, I actually got afraid. I was afraid that I was going to explode. Not literally explode but just that my mind couldn’t handle it. I thought I was going to launch myself into another plain of existence. My body was getting really tense. I panicked. What was going to happen when this spread to my whole body? I had doubt, I had to call it off. STOP IT!! My eyes flew open as the energy was just rising up to my neck. As my conscious came back out into the world I felt the energy continue to rise at the same time it was fading away. It lasted for about one to two seconds after my eyes were opened and made its way about to nose level before it faded away and I was back to full outside awareness in the meditation hall. I had to leave the room immediately.

Outside my heart was beating strongly I was thinking about how amazing that was and what had just happened. I didn’t do significant research or story reading before I went on the retreat so I had little knowledge of what to expect. This was something really incredible but scary too. I wanted to keep my grip on everything and all the highs and lows were getting to be a bit much. But there was still a resounding feeling which generally spoke to me, “Oh my god! Holy Shit! I just went full Christmas tree! (This was a term that I had just made up right then to express how I felt that my whole body had been lit up with an electricity flowing through it). I had everything going at once! That was really amazing!”

I really need to think about what I had just done and where I was going with this.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to talk to someone. But it was already engrained in me that I shouldn’t do these things and that there was method to this madness. So I sat outside for almost two straight hours just thinking. This is too much, I’m as far as I want to go. I was obviously still holding on to fear making sure that I progress through all of this at my own pace.

After sitting outside in the sunshine and just contemplating everything I decided I should get back in there. And I made it back inside the meditation hall before our evening tea and fruit. In the end I ended up regretting that I called it off. Feelings like that don’t come too often in the real world and I definitely let an opportunity go. I wish I hadn’t held on to whatever I was holding on to that prevented me from embracing that fullness. I should not be controlled by my fears if I want to live a full and interesting life, which I know I want. The next time I decided I was just going to see where it takes me, even if it is another plain of existence.

I kept working at my practice but largely the rest of Day 7 this was uneventful, especially compared to the last couple I just had. I think I was still a bit traumatized and overwhelmed to really concentrate.

Day 10 – Without too much excitement to report, and since this is just supposed to be the highlights anyway, I decided to skip ahead to the final day. Once I made it to Day 8 I had stopped thinking about leaving because I was so close to the end and wanted to see what the finale was like. I did go full Christmas tree two more times before the end of the course. It wasn’t as special as it was the first time, though it was still a very interesting thing. For the longest duration I think I was able to hold full body sensation for about one minute. Afterward I felt a little bit exhausted and drained.

On the last day after I was getting really good at getting whole parts of my body to feel sensation in a sweeping pattern I was instructed to take it a little bit further. I was instructed to move the sweeping pattern inside. I was disappointed that I hadn’t thought to do this myself. For the most part I was actually picking things up a day or two prior to them being taught, but this one I totally missed and it was pretty enjoyable. So I would feel a tingling on my back, and I would try to then run it through my body, kind of like a knife going in, and see what I felt on the inside. I actually started to feel sensations coming from various organs and internal structures. I could feel the outlines of my bones and my ribs and my muscles. It was really quite a strange thing because I had never tried to feel things from inside my body before. Though I know that I’m capable, because there are nerves and I’ve felt pains and all sorts of strange sensations that came from inside my body in the past. I didn’t get to try this too much before the class came to an end.

Goenka continued to have very amazing discourse sessions from 21 years in the past. He talked about how Vipassana was such a useful thing because it was an actual practice. It’s not talking about things and quoting things, it’s things you actually experience and you learn the truth and wisdom through these experiences, not empty words with no backing. So many religious sects don’t practice what they preach, when practicing is such a more valuable experience. It would be really great if preachers, pastors, reverends, priests, rabbis, etc. could convince their congregations to practice what their faith believes and actually spend time on the holy day doing that, instead of doing ceremonies and preaching they might actually be more successful in conveying those principles to their congregations.

We broke the noble silence just before the evening tea on the 10^th day. (If you’re counting at home, the 11^th day was the day we actually left the place in the late morning.) I was walking silently as usual but I knew that the time had passed and I was now allowed to talk to people (we still were not allowed physical contact with anyone though). But I didn’t know who to talk to. I didn’t know where to start, and I didn’t know anybody’s name, so I just continued walking toward the dinning commons down the path that I had come along thus far. I remained silent and was somehow a little bit nervous about talking to people again. Did my vocal chords still work? There was an element of social pressure which had returned that I was now slightly dreading. There was a guy who was two rows in front of me in the meditation hall seating arrangement who had long blond hair pulled back into a man pony tail. I generally disliked guys with a ponytail, despite how fashionable it may have been two hundred years ago, so I hadn’t really much liked this guy during the course, though other than the ponytail I had absolutely no reason for that. He must have heard my footsteps because he slowed down and turned around.

I looked up ahead at him and to my shock was greeted with big blue eyes and a genuine but slightly awkward big smile. “Hello,” he said. “Hello,” I said, not trusting the sound of my own voice. “This is weird” he said. “Yeah, I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk yet. I mean I haven’t really thought about it. I don’t even know what to say now that I can,” I said awkward as ever. “Well how was it?” he asked. “It was pretty crazy,” I said, “It was really intense from time to time. What about you?” “It was really good actually. I’ve done this a couple of times before and each time it has been totally different.” And that’s how I started talking again, and I quickly became comfortable interacting with others again. The mood of the place had changed. What used to be characterized by isolated reverie changed to everyone talking with really great energy. People were just so happy to be speaking, but the tone everyone had was very positive and there was lots of laughter.

I felt very connected and open with these people I had been sharing space with for the last 10 days. I didn’t know their names and mostly had only seen the sides of their faces at most. Yet I wasn’t afraid to tell any of the stories that I told above to these people who on some level were still technically strangers. Everyone was amazingly nice, and everyone felt connected that we all had just done this thing together, even though we had done it completely separately. Nobody had known the details or witnessed any of the interesting parts of my 10 days but they could still relate.

There was a lot of fun speculation as to what everyone did for a living while we were all ignoring each other during the ‘noble silence’ period. This was the time for everyone to share the things they had made up. Nobody believed that I was a CPA, and there was such a fun group of professions represented. There were folks that worked for charities and non-profits, there was a yoga instructor, the dean of the economics department at my university who was there when I was a student and I totally should have recognized. There was a hockey player, a computer engineer, a biology student, someone in med school, a music studio technician, another CPA, and a couple of folks that were just kind of drifters.

It was also revealed that we had three male students who left the group consisting of one planned departure and two defectors that just sort of disappeared in the night. I had noticed one missing person in the hall, but the other I had totally not noticed. All the things I was missing while lost inside my own head. I confessed that I was almost another and that I was planning my escape on multiple occasions. So I could certainly relate to anyone who left, as only the strangest of circumstances kept me here.

At some point talking with the guy with thick glasses we compared our strangest experiences. His wasn’t very notable, but I told him my demons in my vision while I was wide awake story from night 6. He said I actually gave him the chills as I was telling the story it was that creepy of an event. He compared it to stories he’s heard from people who have done hallucinogenics. Note to self: don’t do hallucinogenics. He also speculated that I may have picked up some strong sensations when I was in South East Asia two months prior as there were strong references to the atrocities of Vietnam and Cambodia in my experience. I stayed up all night talking with people, learning about them and trading stories until about 1 am.

Day 11 – After some clean-up activities and looking at some cd’s and books that could help us continue our practices, and a message from Goenka encouraging us to stay active with the meditation. It is a lifelong thing, and the greatest gift you can give someone is teaching them how to come out of their misery.

On the drive home my mood went from really positive to out of this world ecstatic. I just had this desire to share Vipassana with absolutely everyone in my life who I knew was miserable about something. I wanted them to feel as great about life and myself and my place in the world as I did at that time. I was told that I would feel good when I left the meditation center, but this was unreal. I was in the clouds. I drove home at about 90mph on a 60mph highway with the top down in my convertible. I was passing cars in the other lanes and I was actually yelling aloud things like “I love you, don’t let the speed I am going make you feel pressure to go fast as well. Take as much time as you like getting to your destination. Everyone should go at their own pace,” as I overtook slower cars. The world seemed so full. The sky was amazing, the air was amazing, the sun, the trees looked amazing, I was so pleased that there were other people on the road enjoying its winds and the unique route it took over the hills to get us to where we needed to go. Music sounded incredible. I loved listening to it. I could hear each instrument, it wasn’t the usual drowning into loudness, though I definitely had it loud. It was a symphony, where I could hear each of the individual parts sounding great individually, but I could see how they were synched together to make a wonderful collective sound. I decided that I thought music and art are some of the easiest ways to see synergy happening in real life. Much more accessible than the synergetic details of large corporate mergers anyway. I met some old friends for lunch and generally had a wonderful time in a very natural high that lasted for a few days.

Final Thoughts – I am somewhat of a hypocrite as I write all of this now, because I didn’t continue the practice once I got back home. I had determined that I was content with my life. Now that I have experienced a bit of… perhaps relapse is the word, I have again seen the value of the practice. Sometime I don’t spend my time doing useful things, and sometimes I have difficulty focusing on some of the tasks I should be doing. Sometimes I find myself too connected to computers and silly entertainment that I think I’m missing out on some of the better aspects of life that will make me a happier person. Meditation appears to be the cure for a lot of these things providing genuine sustainable peaceful happy feelings, providing mind clarity and focus, helping you confront and conquer your fears, overcoming both the mental and physical effects of stress, and deal with your cravings and addictions that make you miserable.

I have not forgotten the practice and I had a committed two week stretch last where I meditated daily and really got good at it again. I definitely felt the benefits, but as usual, something in life came up, this time work, and I sort of lost track of it. I did start to feel really good while doing it. It could be a placebo effect but I don’t think so. The actual meditation process is work and is something that can’t be faked. I know I am doing that properly, so I think that is all that counts at this juncture in time.

I think one amazing philosophical conclusion from this is the settling of the nature vs. nurture battle. If you believe in the elements of the practice, it becomes clear that misery and evils are created through interaction with the outside world, and that after you strip away all the trauma and associations you are left with a happy loving peaceful person. I think if everybody in the world meditated in this fashion we would collectively become a very peaceful society. This technique holds cures for I think many mental conditions from addiction, to anger, to stress and pain. The difficult thing is that it takes a willingness to want to change, it’s not something that can simply be prescribed. There have been trials of Vipassana programs in correctional facilities. But I think it would do a world of good particularly in drug rehab. While it is a difficult thing to do, for those willing to take on the challenge and really prepared to face their fears I think this is something that could really work.

During my retreat I feel that I encountered my dark side, something beforehand I was skeptical about whether it truly existed. The light versus dark, even within a single person, is a very common theme in lots of philosophy as well as movies and books and everything else. Everyone has multiple facets of their personality and there are times when the nicest most genuine people can seem like completed dicks, and times when dicks seem like nice genuine people. The dark side used to be something I feared, something that was comprised of my deepest secrets, insecurities and childhood trauma buried deep in my subconscious. Despite my curiosity, my policy was usually just to avoid it because it only showed itself occasionally, though unpredictably, but that aside from those rare times it could largely be ignored and suppressed. I now think there is a better more proactive coping strategy, which is to bring the dark out into the light. Look at it, observe it, see what it’s made of. I think I will find when I really get down to the way deep that there isn’t anything to be afraid of and that to ever have been fearful was a silly thing. I think that through continued practice of Vipassana that I will eventually rid myself of fear. In theory this will make me a more loving person.

The approach of only dealing with a dark side when it arises, as opposed to seeking out the confrontation, gives it strength as it does become something to be afraid of. I don’t know what the confrontation process is for everyone, but I know that Vipassana meditation is the safest way I found to get there. Looking back on it now and living a few months of normal life, it is astounding what a truly unique experience this whole thing was. It was such an emotional and mind-opening journey I went through, with so many highs and lows. It brought out the dark parts of me into my conscious mind. And instead of hiding them from my conscience where they can really do all their damage completely unsupervised I was able to look at them, face to face and see it for what it was. I know I kind of sound like a crazy person, but there was an awesome truth inside me, and it wasn’t god, a reciteable phrase, or anything gimmicky. Skeptics can say this is all some hippy new-age bullshit, but I must admit that I am one of the most skeptical people around, and I can only say any of this because I actually experienced it. It was real. There were no drugs involved. It was actual sensations and thoughts, and for me it explained so much of my behavior, many of the questions I’ve always held because I could never answer about my subconscious, of all those things that I wish I could control better on a daily basis but was always troubled by.

During the course and during my life have been countless things which crop up and make me doubt myself. Whether it is a tiny noise that breaks my concentration and makes me doubt my ability to concentrate, or if it’s a criticism from a reader that I wrote another awkward sentence and I doubt my ability to write. These things prevent me from improvement, but not so much because of them but my reaction to them. Maybe it’s my dark side, maybe it’s my lazy side that just wants to do everything with as little work as possible, even if it means I never improve, maybe it’s my attempts to find a comfort zone where my worries will disappear. I really want to be so many things that I’m not, even though I genuinely believe I have the ability. Somehow learning to meditate, learning to focus and control my mind and the way it interacts with the outside world, seems like the right path for me to take there. 

Overall, it was a remarkable journey. It was very hard work at times and there were things in my body that wanted to fight every step of the way. The urge to defect continually came up until I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am forever glad, and a bit proud of myself that I made it all the way through. It showed perseverance which I occasionally questioned that I had. The feeling at the end was just remarkable elation and appeared to be the prize of this hard work. I wanted to tell everyone I knew I wanted to hug everyone who I encountered. I think there was something about the fact that I was in a pretty good place to start with that made me so able to embrace what was happening and not fight it as much as I could have. I think for the same reason I am willing to talk about it and not afraid to share it with everyone.

Another big takeaway from this is that it’s not a religious course in anyway. Anybody of any religion or no religion can participate. Religious practices are mostly put on hold during the course when it comes to dress, objects, worship, reading, etc. but really it doesn’t interfere with whatever religion or lack of religion you believe in.

For that reason and all the others, I recommend taking a course like this for almost anyone. Reading about it, and hearing my experience is one thing, but nobody but me really benefits from it. You can be inspired sure, but the process of healing and bettering yourself is a journey that you actually have to take and feel for yourself. I’ve described it as well as I can from my perspective, but yours will likely be nothing like mine. Be prepared for surprises, don’t have the expectation that you will immediately have results and experiences like I did. Just actually give it a try, with a real open mind and see what happens. There really isn’t too much to lose, except for 10 days of your current life which, I feel, everyone should take a break from every once in a while.

I think many people in modern society are in complete denial about the extent of their misery. That they don’t find their jobs fulfilling, they don’t like the way they look or feel on a daily basis, they are in pain, they are dependent, and through these feelings they end up becoming hurtful and destructive. This meditation won’t make you like your job anymore. But it will help liberate your mind to figure out what it is you want to do with it.

As I said though, I am a hypocrite. I stated that I had bought in to practicing versus preaching, and yet here I am, not practicing very regularly and preaching to anyone who will read this. The integration of a lifestyle that includes modern friends and the internet with the peaceful disconnect of meditation is a little bit difficult. Life is busy, and though I did manage 10 days to go through this, can I manage it every day? Who knows? But I am forever grateful that I have learned the set of skills that I can take with me everywhere to keep getting better whenever I may want or need it. I have registered for a 3-Day course starting in two weeks which will be a mini version of the 10-Day and act as a good refresher. This is something I hope to do at least annually to remind myself to unplug and keeping exploring my inner-mind